(no subject)

[nelcu]

[ Neku wouldn't say it out loud even held at gunpoint--but it had been nice having Josh around. No one else had the time or sanity for Neku's pity parties. Joshua, though, didn't seem to mind staying up late with him, playing his dumb mindless rhythm games, watching garbage anime, or just ... talking. The way they were right now.

They didn't talk about why Neku had been such a recluse the past few weeks, mind you. And Neku appreciated it. He needed a distraction, and Joshua was the definition of one. From his motor mouth to--how unfairly gorgeous he looked all the time.

Joshua looked especially perfect with the white light from the television screen illuminating his profile. They had long lost interest in finding a film or show to put on. They would rather chat and just look at each other while sitting on his couch.

Neku had felt a pit in his stomach all day. They were plenty close to each other, but he was itching to be closer. He found himself reaching out, and his fortitude crumbled as he brushed a curl out of Joshua's face. ]



"... I'm sorry. That you had to go through all of that."

Comments

[comprises]

[Joshua has so much fucking feelings going on right now. For one, he's salty as hell. He's kind of figured out what happened between Beat and Neku, at least to a degree. Part of their agreement was that Josh stop snooping to an extend in his life, so that he just doesn't know everything all the time.

But Beat had had Neku before him, and it burns him up. It's so hard to watch someone he wanted so badly but couldn't actually touch go through this shit, when he thinks about him so much. It drives him absolutely up the wall, because he just can't get the other out of his head. Even when he's not around him, all he thinks about is Neku. It's only getting worse the more they hang out -- he's both satiated and frustrated the more he hangs out with him. The way that Neku's finally actually kind of accepted his presence is satisfying in a way, but that just means he wants more.

He hadn't been satisfied with anyone else in a long time. Joshua doesn't understand it, but he figures it must be the more human part of him trying to feel things he hadn't had the chance to before.

Joshua had figured out that Neku responded to little tidbits like this. He gave Joshua a little more attention, and even though he loathed pity, the fact that Neku was so close to him and moved his curl like that drove him crazy.

If only Neku knew what was going on in his mind...

For a brief moment, Joshua's mind short circuits at Neku's hand brushing his hair away. His body subconsciously scoots just a bit closer, because he wants more of that affection so badly.

Neku's going to be the end of him, he knows it.

But his mind catches back up with him, even if he's still not sure how to react to it. The fact that someone feels sorry for him...]

Is that concern I hear for me, Neku? How cute.

[Can he not put his foot in his mouth for five minutes, maybe.]

It was a long time ago...and you asked, so I answered.

[nelcu]

[ Under less intimate circumstances, Neku would have snorted and rolled his eyes. Okay, asshole, see if I care now. Instead, he was searching that masterful pokerface Joshua wore all the time. Even right now. But he knew all about deflection, and it wasn't hard to spot.

Neku should really back away. He should really stop making these shitty, impulsive choices that bite him in the ass later. Getting cozy with Joshua was a worse decision than sleeping with a best friend of a best friend or getting invested in a straight guy. It's the worst thing he could do to himself right now, and tragically it was the thing he wanted to do the most. ]



"'A long time ago' doesn't make it any less fucked."

[ He already knew how soft Joshua's skin felt--from that regrettable tango during the Game that he tried to never ever think about. Now, brushing his thumb across the man's cheek, there was nothing else on his mind.

fuck.

Neku wasn't timid when suddenly he leaned in and pressed their mouths together. Why should he be? He had zero doubt that Joshua would be on board. That Joshua wouldn't want a shy peck on the lips over Neku's hand sliding into his hair, the way it did now, and his full, open-mouthed kisses. ]

[comprises]

[There's only a few things that make Joshua shut the fuck up. One of them is definitely what's happening right now, feeling that kiss on him now. His heart flutters in some sort of excited way, because he wants this so bad.

Joshua leans forward a bit more, putting both hands through the other's hair as he reciprocates the kiss. There's no way he's going to back out right now -- he's been craving it so long that he feels like a piece of elastic that finally got let go.

Maybe it was a good thing he'd said something, after all...]

[nelcu]

[ Neku felt a bizarre sense of relief that he wasn't willing to examine further. Something about touching Joshua again made him feel lighter--like he was coming home after a long, exhausting day out. It wasn't fucking logical.

Nothing about the two of them was logical.

He breathed a sigh against Joshua's mouth, seconds before he started to lean over him. He wasn't good at restraint or moderation; he pushed a hand against Joshua's chest, easing him back against the armrest. ]

[comprises]

[There's only a couple of people that Joshua wouldn't just automatically flip over at the attempt to push him over -- and Neku was definitely one of them. But it's probably also because he craved this so much that he didn't care...

As he feels his back against the armrest, he puts a hand on the back of Neku's head and grabbed his shirt with his other hand to pull him closer too. It's almost like Joshua feels like Neku might try to get away again, and he's not going to let that happen.

He doesn't understand the feelings that's rushing through him right now, but he'll examine them later. He's too busy kissing the person he's wanted for so long, a little open mouthed and probably a bit overenthusiastically, because he's waited for so long, but he's just going to go for it.]

[nelcu]

[ For better or worse, Joshua's reciprocal zeal was only fanning Neku's flames. His hands roamed underneath clothes, reacquainting themselves with the dips and curves he had gotten a taste of four years ago. It's not fair how familiar Joshua feels. It's fucked up.

Neku couldn't and didn't expect anything good to come out of this. He took catching his breath as a second to look at his partner and try to rethink. But Joshua was addictive before, and it was worse now, seeing his lips flushed red and his hair in disarray. Every time in the past that he had assumed Joshua couldn't get more attractive was being proven wrong. ]



[ He breathed a self-deprecating laugh at ... nothing in particular. The absolute what the fuckery of his life. He brushed back silky curls, a little slower this time, to appreciate how they felt between his fingers. Then he ducked his head and planted a hot, wet kiss under his ear--then down his neck, down, down to his collarbone, where he left a pinkened mark with his teeth. ]

[comprises]

[It's a small gesture, but Joshua still feels like he's going to explode when Neku starts to push the curls out of his face again. He doesn't think that he's ever felt this way before, but he's not so surprised. This is Neku, after all...

Joshua's about to lean forward to kiss Neku again, but the other beats him to it, and he feels goosebumps forming on his flesh as he feels Neku's lips on his skin. He exhales roughly, trying to keep his cool about it...but it's so difficult.

The hand on Neku's clothes only tightens as he moves his legs slightly, so that his knees end up on either side of the other's sides, just. For comfort. And more keeping Neku doing what he's doing.]

It seems as if...you've been waiting for this...

[nelcu]

[ The comment makes Neku pause, though he doesn't lift his face from the crook of the man's neck. It's stupid, but he feels like he's been caught with his hand in the cookie jar, and he ... doesn't want to look Josh in the eye right now.

His heart gave a hard thump. But he didn't want to leave this place, either, where the smell of Joshua's skin alone was intoxicating. Where everything was warm and okay. ]



"... what d'you mean?"

[comprises]

[Joshua kind of loves the feeling of Neku being so close to him. He doesn't want the other to move at all, even though they'll have to eventually.

Maybe he should sound a little less like an asshole, though.]

I've been waiting too.

[he brings a hand up to the side of Neku's face, brushing his cheek with the back of his hand.]

I want your attention...

[nelcu]

[ To this admission, Neku isn't sure how to feel. His stomach knots with an emotion he can't sort out, especially not in the moment. He lifts himself up, daring to meet the eyes of the boy caged between his arms. ]



"Josh--I--..."

[ Neku turned his face. He didn't know what he had wanted to say. I'm sorry, maybe, but for what?

His voice lowered to a soft, rare whisper. ]

"Is this a mistake?"

[comprises]

[of course Neku is having second thoughts. Even though Joshua had none...but for once in his life, he has to think about someone else.

It's still weird.]

What's the worst that can happen?

[...maybe something he shouldn't say. Especially as the person who killed him twice.]

Please, Neku...

[nelcu]

[ Maybe Neku could have walked away--if Joshua hadn't gone and said that. If Joshua didn't sound so genuine right now, if Joshua didn't look so much like he needed him.

Someone important had once said to him, it's nice to be needed. And the words had never left him.

Neku swallowed the apprehensive lump in his throat. His voice rasped from how dry his mouth had gone. ]

"... just ... don't let this ruin our friendship. I want you around. Okay?"

[comprises]

[Neku has no idea what he's doing to Joshua. Absolutely no idea. His heart flutters at the idea that the other actually wants him around -- there were times that he had almost kind of figured that it was his own selfish need to see Neku that he was even coming back around.

Joshua puts his hands on either side of Neku's face -- he doesn't understand the feelings he's having right now at all, but he certainly is feeling a lot.

"I'll be around as long as you want me" is what he wants to say, but there's something inside him that stops him. He figures he's already said too much about what he wants...right?]

Done.

[that's what comes out now, at least.]

Not that I've let anything deter me from coming back around so far, hm?

[nelcu]

[ Joshua was right. He hadn't let anything come between them, even--even when it had probably hurt him. The idea that Neku had made him bear it all, all his stupid mistakes, filled him with guilt. But the fact that he had stuck around despite it ...

Maybe Neku could make it up to him. Right now. ]

"Okay."

[ The word was perhaps too quiet to make out. Neku met eyes with him again, this time with resolve. ]

"You've done this before, right? Or ..."

[ Neku would feel like shit if he were wasting Joshua's first time like this. He could do better; gentler. The way anyone deserved. ]

[comprises]

[bro

Joshua can't help but giggle at the question...why was Neku just routinely so cute? He didn't understand.]

I'm as pure as a newborn babe, dear. I could wear a white wedding dress with no issues.

[do you. Hear the sarcasm.

Now he moves one of his hands a little so that he can lean forward and nip at Neku's earlobe, bringing his legs tighter towards the other to make absolutely sure he can't get away.]

Yes, I've had sex...no need to be shy.

[nelcu]

[ Listen, he just--!! Likes to be sure ...

His breath catches; yes, his ear is a sensitive spot, but he doesn't need Joshua knowing-- ]

"I'm not shy. I just ... don't want to fuck this up."

[ Because Joshua matters more to him than anything, okay!! Whether he likes it or not. Hurting Joshua of all people ... well. That was the worst he could do, right? Because getting through to Josh even in a good way was a feat. What kind of monster would he be to damage him? ]

"... so just ... let me know if this is--too much ..."

[comprises]

Mhm...

[Joshua hums a little as he runs his tongue a bit lower before nipping at the underside of the other's ear. He's so far past the serious conversation here, especially since Neku's suddenly gotten so shy about it.

It's touching. It really is. But he's not gonna let this chance go either.

He only pulls away from mouthing at the other so that he can speak, and even then he doesn't go far.]

Relax, Neku...

[nelcu]

[ Neku closes his eyes, exhaling a slow, steadying breath. That mouth teasing his ear feels so good it's not fair. Everything about his feelings for Joshua is unfair. And, somehow, Joshua already knows what buttons of his to push. Of fucking course he does.

He meets that catty stare of Joshua's again, and he nearly stops breathing altogether. Joshua was the only person he knew that remained flawless no matter how close you got to him. He had noticed it that week of the Game, even; how the sweat and grime of combat had never seemed to touch him. He couldn't have always been this perfect ... right?

Neku had no more reason (excuse) to hold back. They were both grown ass adults with experience and clear consent. This shouldn't be more impactful than any other stupid hookup of his.

it shouldn't be, but it was.

He swallowed down trepidation, and then caved. He found himself pushing his partner's shirt up and pressing hard kisses down his stomach, like he had always wanted to but never let himself. He held the small of Joshua's back in his palm, anchoring his torso in place against his mouth, and he loved and hated the way it fit his touch so perfectly.

No one else had ever felt so natural to hold. ]

[comprises]

[Joshua inhales sharply as he feels Neku's mouth on him again. His head spins, thinking about how that's actually Neku's mouth on him. The idea of that riles him up just as much as the act of it all, and he has to look down to watch him.

A chill ran down his spine. If he was human he'd think he might be dreaming.

Joshua hums in a happy way, running his hands through Neku's hair yet again as he shifts himself so that he's a little more comfortable with the way he's positioned on the couch. He wants to be able to give the other a bit more attention himself, but...he's not going to complain much about Neku fawning all over him for once.]

[nelcu]

[ Neku made his way down until his partner's jeans barred him from continuing. His thumbs squeezed into the dips at the tippy top of his V line. He tugged on two beltloops, not to strip him but to drag his pelvis closer. His breath felt volcanic in his lungs by the time something occurred to him.

There was only one other person Joshua could possibly be sleeping with. Right? He shouldn't feel his blood boil at the thought; he himself had no claim to Josh whatsoever. Maybe it was just that it had to be that guy that made his stomach turn.

But he doubted it.

Neku found himself suctioning bruises from the Composer's navel to his jutting hip bone. It had begun as a petty impulse and near instantly flared into newly discovered desire. Leaving his mark on someone else's partner, on his murderer, on a god was enthralling.

He admired his work for only a second before diving his hand into Joshua's hair and his tongue into his mouth. Mine, that possessive fire in him crackled. His. ]

[comprises]

[Joshua feels his breath catch when he feels the other's mouth on him. The bruises, the affection in general of him makes him feel some kind of way, his heart fluttering and excitement only encouraging it.

The marks that Neku leaves, he probably won't accelerate the healing on.

Joshua feels warm all over once he feels the other's tongue in his mouth again, and he pushes himself up against him, his pulse racing in his ears. That this is finally happening, and not something he'd been wishing for for so long. It's what he imagined and better, tracing his tongue along the other's as his hands roam to the hem of Neku's shirt before pushing it up towards his midback. He doesn't move to take it off completely yet, because he doesn't want to pull away from Neku, but his hands are going to roam on his abdomen, slowly feeling how soft his skin feels until he reaches the waist band of his pants. He stops there for now, because he wants to keep touching the skin he's always wanted to be held against so badly...]